Sometimes I wish I could voice-note this entire journal entry because I am lazy but also I feel like my thoughts move faster than I can write. I also think that I am smarter when I speak than when I write, but it could also be because I am harder on myself when I write. I am also realizing that I can sit around and complain about things, which I do quite often, we all need an outlet. I know in the grand scheme of things, my life could be worse than it is, but on the flip side, it could also be better than it is.
I am kind of upset with myself but I am always kind of feeling that way. I think it's also that I usually let other people’s emotions or their actions towards me feel like it's a reflection of me but in reality, it is a reflection of them. It is how they are feeling and it's their choice. What you can do in that situation is one of two things, (1) either you choose to act on it, whether it be in reaction/preemption, or (2) recognize that it’s not always about you and just let it be. But as a principle, if someone is okay with leaving you in doubt and confusion, they have more issues to deal with themselves than you know. It brings me back to the dart analogy and as much as I would like to react I know that it is an insecurity of mine that is bubbling up, and I feel deeply and let things consume me.
I did do a whole lot of work yesterday and that was a very productive Sunday, which felt good! So it's okay that I feel a little unmotivated today. I just sometimes want to fall apart, but I know that's not really an option, but I do feel like my emotions are all over the place these days.
I cannot be pregnant because I am vigilantly on birth control and only having sex with one person at the moment and it would be a bad idea if that happened. Not because I don't think it would be a good mix, but the person and I have so much history most of which is not a good dynamic emotionally. I have this hypothetical scenario in my head a lot, not that I have this person’s kid or he gets me pregnant, but it's more to do with what if something like this happens with anyone. That someone gets me pregnant, but we are not at a committed state, or in a relationship heading towards marriage, like what would I do. The chances of this happening are low because I am a control freak and don't like fucking with my life, however, no matter of planning can prepare for things that are meant to happen. So ya if in a chance it does, I wonder if I will go ahead with it or go the other route, but at the end of the day, I feel comfort in having my own choice. Because I know myself best and I will do whatever I think is the best outcome, because if anything I am a planner and I do not do anything without thinking. Even if it is a dumb decision, 10/10 know that I thought it through and actively made the decision to make that happen.
This took a deep turn, but I am saying if and when it happens, I will deal with it, but ya my mind is an interesting place today. I think I will take it easy and not try to dwell on things! Unrelated note I have a class today from 6–8:30, after which is I will try to go meet my friends for bachelor Monday, doing some trashy nonsensical tv view. This is my first Monday with that class but after today I will have been to each class once. There is just something about watching other people’s misery and fuck-ups that make you feel better about yourself even if it is for a little bit.
