I hate to report that I might be worse than I was compared to two weeks ago. Although my no alcohol for a month is going well, haha it's all about the little win I suppose.
Finals started yesterday in full force. So as of yesterday, I am 0.5/4 done. It doesn't sound great, but if you knew how large that 0.5 assignment was, you'd be happy for me. May 7th cannot come soon enough. I am ready, but it's also very bittersweet, how can I already be done with a year?
These are just going to be random thoughts and streams of consciousness with probably no connection in between so bear with me today. I am not really sure anyone even reads this, but this is therapeutic, I feel my internal validation is a little weaker atm, which is the first time it's happened in a while.
Yesterday I brought up my mother because someone asked me where she was, and it just slipped out of my tongue, “ she passed away x no. years ago”. And after I said it, I felt a little stinge, just for a moment and it passed. I count that as a normal day. Sadly good days are when I do not feel sad, and I used to feel guilty about it, but now I know, it just means I am healing and can remember her happily. Grief does sneak up on you randomly and on day random days. It is also almost that time of the year when I will probably be rightfully jealous of people. Only because I want what they have not because I want it taken away from them. However, I am gonna plan what I want to do that day. I see women who are older than my mother, like ones who could be my great grandmother or grandmother and I wonder, what it feels like to have someone love you for as long as they have. I feel never felt that kind of love, and my kids will not either. It does make my cynical thinking about it. But I also think because of this I love deeper and harder.
I have to get rid of my demon, that is a metaphorical demon I mean. But I keep struggling with it. Even though nothing has changed, and it probably never will. To make matters worse, I think it's the constant realization of new things, but then still being disappointed. I tend to get negative about myself but I am also like I cannot sit here and act like the victim because I make these choices.
Losing yourself or losing a version of yourself can be daunting. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to make peace with. Sometimes you already mourn people, relationships, and situations, but I am realizing for me, it's often the version of me that I was that's harder to let go of.
