If I could sum up what my life is like right now, I may sound like a broken record in some places. But lately, I am really feeling the let things work out and just have faith and trust in things to work out if they are meant to. Being someone who can sometimes have crippling anxiety and the need to control everything and everyone around me not because I like things to go my way, but because it's the fear of no action or abandonment that drives me.
I feel like I am at the part of that cycle when I am on the down ramp and I'm like “okay it will happen if it's meant to” and could be because my body, mind, and soul are a little exhausted. I am also at a point where I do not want to keep repeating the same patterns. It could just be emotional exhaustion at the moment where I feel like I can’t keep progressing this way and that something or the other has got to change. I am also just feeling like I am de-attaching, and that makes me sad, or the thought of it makes me kind of sad. I am not sure if that is normal. This sadness also feels a bit more melancholy than intense grief. It is truly hard to explain, and I think since I spend so much time in my brain, and so much is going on right now that I do not know how much longer I can hold on to all this anxiety, worry, and problems that seem to be consuming me.
Therapy is helping me but I am also realizing I cannot keep expecting different things if I do not respond differently in situations that are presented to me. Like is this what reaching your breaking point feels like that every little thing.
My metaphorical demons are starting to haunt me a little too much these days. As cliche and melodramatic as it sounds but I do believe I am the architect of most of my problems. Like I create situations and scenarios that make it so that I need to do something about them.
Most days I have more questions than answers and that can be frustrating but today, in this time and space I am choosing to surrender, and if something wants to come my way it will, because I can’t/don’t want to force it or control it.
