There was a time when this brought me peace, it also made me feel like I could get my words out. Somewhere along the line daily turned into once a week, to once a month to every couple of months, and almost a year now. I think I usually find solace in writing but this past year has been such a whirlwind of emotions and I feel like I aged a lot this past year.
I did it again. This time it feels permanent and almost with soul-shattering sadness. I do not know if either of us is the bad guy here or in the wrong. I know a lot would blame him and honestly for much I do too, but in reality, I was complacent with a lot of it as well. I am very sad at the moment and I know that the ending was and is necessary. I need to move on and he does too. I doubt he will learn anything from this and what hurts me more is knowing that we will so easily adopt and adapt to the changes and cope with the loss of me so much better than I will. I am worried that I will disappear into the void of no one for him as if I never existed or mattered.
I know I remember more about him than he does about me, I know his every little move, what he likes, and dislikes, his touches, the different looks in his eyes, the way he likes his tea, his favorite cup, how he hates being tickled, his passion for programming and learning, how he loved hugs, the list goes on. I feel like I invested so much of my time, wondering, waiting, planning, and hoping, for things to be different. Maybe I was being naive, or maybe I needed to learn all the lessons he had to offer. But I keep thinking why did I give so much love to someone who couldn't do the same for me?
Some days I felt like he loved him, others I wondered how someone who loved me would ever treat me this way. The older I got the more I realized that his love was just not compatible with mine, and I knew in some way he cared about me. I refuse to believe 5 years like this could be completely fake. I might lose my mind if I start believing that. I have these questions that I will never have answers to but, where I know I was one of his closest friends, and he trusts me so much, why did he never choose me? Why did he never fight for me? Am I not worth fighting for? Is it that easy for him to lose me?
I wanted more and for a bit, I was scared to ask and the longer time went on the harder it got to ask. We had set a routine and became this dysfunctional relationship. This past year, I got to date him and do things with him and for him. I witnessed all of his charm and glory in its prime. I am selfish there, because I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, but I wanted him and the idea of him was something I dreamed up for years. It felt like all the things I wanted him to do years before he did them this past year.
I think in some parallel universe or some different time in life, we could have made it work because it hurts how much our hopes, dreams, values, and life goals align. But then I think maybe it was the idealized version of things in my head.
All I know is that right now I am sad and everything sucks, I won’t say 2024 will be my year, because I have learned not to make such claims but I hope one day I will find someone who chooses me and wants to build a life with me. Because although I know I do not need another person to complete me, I want someone to share my life with. Here’s to hoping 2024, brings light and sunshine.
