Ah, man. I do not even know how I ended up here, or where to start. I think for the last couple of months I have been stuck in this never-ending cycle of feeling just a little lost. I think motivation has been lower than it should be. I have been engulfed and pushed into issues I had no business being in the middle of. I chose to let myself get wrapped in things that were never meant to be my burden.
It sucks when you let things like that suck you in, I have also just been going through so many emotional ups and downs, that I drown in them and cycle to being numb/middle ground before it returns. I think it was my body's way of telling me that there was something I had been avoiding and ignoring that needed to be dealt with.
I did not listen and frankly, in some ways the decision being made for me made me make a decision for myself. Something not choosing me made me choose myself. I have also learned the hard way that we need to let people make their own decision even if the decisions they make lead to them losing you. You let them.
As I currently sit on my couch, watching the tv show I once swore to never watch without this one person, in a way feels oddly liberating. I know it is a tiny thing, but for the longest time, it was the thing I held on to because deep down I knew I would eventually let that person in again, but I no longer feel that way. I know the show is very symbolic of a larger thing, but currently its the most tangible one. It makes me incredibly sad, but I have accepted it. I have accepted that this is probably all that is ever going to happen.
This is not for the lack of wanting this person, but more so to stop me from resisting change, and staying stuck in a cycle that keeps repeating itself. Sometimes I feel like I am a broken record when I write here, but that's also probably because we are finally at the end of the road for me with this cycle. It was a long time coming, but seriously looking back that all that's happened in the last couple of years, fills me with goosebumps.
A month from now will be 5 years since my mother passed away and I have just been reflecting a lot about how I want to live my life, and how I want to carry myself and just remember who she wanted me to be. You know when you don't know or don't have that one person to let you know if you are on the right path, it is often hard to believe yourself. I constantly doubt myself and wonder if I am doing the right things, but also lately I have been wondering about what she would think about certain situations. Those realizations have not been the kindest because I also notice the lack of compassion I have for myself.
So this is just to say, that it may not look like you thought it would or what anyone else did, sometimes we are forced to deal with things we try so hard to avoid. This is beauty in the irony that I am choosing to make peace with at the moment. Maybe a day or two or even a week from now I may not, but today, I feel melancholy but also just accepting it which is just a little sad. I think it is also because I have cried all the tears I could have for this situation.
