I have had somewhat serious high highs, and some very low lows this past couple of months. I often reflect back to them and wonder if I am truly the architect of my own heartache and chaos. Frankly, that seems to be true, and sadly something I forget is that I am sometimes in charge of myself. I let misery consume me, or I start to assume that there is no way out. It's that the way out will cause me to pain temporarily but I am aware in the long run, it will be much better for me. I know it is what I need to do, what I should do, and yet I feel like I am not strong enough to do it. I have done it multiple times. I feel like sometimes there comes a time, where I think my patience is like peaked to the top or like I lose it all because I avoid things for so long. Maybe avoid is not the right word, I mean I let it slide for far too long until, my brain is just like, okay now we are going to erupt in the craziest of ways and this may come across as dramatic, but we are going to roll with it.
Also in another vein, I am like so what? It does not seem like I could probably do much wrong at this point, so might as well be nonchalant about it. I am like anxious but also not anxious at the same time. it really is a weird combo when you come to think of it. On one hand, I am like burn it all to the ground on the other I am like maybe don't do it.
I went to see family, I went on a very therapeutic trip, and I am doing well in most aspects. I started a new job!
Some things are truly looking up for a bit, but others have been draining to me to the point I want to just smack something in the head. or be like why the hell? I am also just very frustrated today, and that's a very rare emotion for me and that might be because oftentimes things go my way, or the way I would hope them to go. But also most of the time when they do not, I am not at a point in my patience cycle where I feel like I will erupt into a ball of anger, but right now I do.
