I am not even sure the last time I wrote here, I could probably go back and check, but I am not in the mood of doing that at the moment.
I know I constantly let things I do not have control over stress me out and realistically I know nothing really is anonymous, so if someone really wanted to, they could figure out who I am. I am not afraid that I am sharing anything I am that afraid of it being public, but I think somewhere along the lines of these past couple of months, I think I have lost a part of me, and I today while driving to the coffee shop some of them just hit me and I frankly have just not been in a good head space for some time now. I do think it happens inflows and that is not all at once. Sometimes that's what is hard, because since it has been slowly been chipping at me that I have stopped recognizing it as it is happening.
Some days I feel so strong and some days I forget that I am capable of pushing past it. I am very much in my head and I think people close to me notice that I am not doing okay or it is on my face. I am not sure if I just have a bad poker face or if people just know me that well. I also think I am just desperately stopping myself from not doing the one thing I need to do, and I keep putting it off I do believe that is the root cause of a lot of my stress lately and I think it is finally getting to a point that I can no longer hold on to it and I just need to let it go. The mental toll of the situation is now affecting my physical health too. That is not a good sign or I mean that can never be a good sign.
Even my doctor today said that my only problem is the stress and that all this is stress-induced and although stress is bad for your heart in the long term, there is nothing else wrong with me. My brain is taking a physical toll on me, I am not well mentally and that's only because I choose to keep myself in situations I need to exit from. Like that is some problematic behavior. She told me maybe I need medicine for my anxiety and you know maybe I do. or I need to do a better job at meditating because something needs to change here, I cannot keep functioning this way.
